A satirical piece on Middle Eastern dining etiquette (viewer discretion is advised) by Carina Goldbach

The following is a satirical piece on Middle Eastern dining etiquette-- real Middle Eastern etiquette rules mixed with some not so real ones.

Your Guide to Middle Eastern Dining!

Middle Easterners love to welcome guests into their homes! Although their dining traditions are different from others, they are simple to follow. If you have trouble following their traditions, then you’re dumb as hell and your Middle Eastern host has the right to inflict bodily harm. The host and his family will most likely point and laugh at your stupidity while chanting “[Insert Name] has a mangina!” over and over again. Dining in a Middle Easterner’s home is so exciting! Below I’ve listed some of the traditions in a few different countries. Let’s get started!

Iran

                If you are invited to eat in an Iranian household, here are a few things to keep in mind. First, check to make sure your spouse is included on the invitation before bringing them. If they are not invited, do not show up with her, as she will be forced to sit outside chained to a collar. She will only be allowed to eat scraps from the youngest person’s plate, which will be thrown to her from inside the closest window. Check if the host is wearing shoes. If they are not, remove yours at the door. Arrive on time, dress conservatively, and show respect for the elders by greeting them first. After this, shake everyone’s hand individually. If not, you will look like an uncultured swine. Accept any offer of food or drink, do not refuse it, as this is a sign of disrespect.

Table Manners

                When it comes to Iranian table manners, you should wait to be told where to sit. Eat only with the right hand and try a little bit of everything that is served at the table. Meals are usually served family-style and most tables are set with a spoon and fork. Expect to be offered second and even third helpings. Initial refusals will be assumed to be polite gestures and are not taken seriously. If you continue to refuse after the third offer, the host will hold you down to your chair while other family members pry open your mouth and force food into your throat. They will only stop shoving food into your mouth after your first vomit. 

Jordan

                If you are invited to eat in a Jordanian household, follow these tips. In mixed company, you should choose a seat beside your same sex or your spouse. Or, if you are feeling daring, sit on the lap of the most attractive person of the opposite sex and stroke their arm. Making out with another woman’s husband, or another man’s wife at the dinner table is a sign of great respect.

Table Manners

Eat with the fingers of the right hand, as the left hand should never touch the food. If your left hand touches your food, the host will come over with a lighter and a knife. The host will burn whichever food you have touched, and cut off the fingers which you have touched the food with. Each guest at the dining table will move their seats back before the fingers get cut, so as not to get any blood on their dinner outfits. The host will then add the guest’s fingers to his finger jar, generally displayed on a shelf in the dining area. It is common to pass food to another person by handling the food directly with the fingers. This is a sign of friendship and acceptance. If they do not use their hands, or no one passes food to you, you are probably a loser who should find some friends.

At the end of the meal, it is polite to say ‘Al Hamdu Li Lah’ or ‘Praise to God’ and move back slightly from the table. Then, feel free to pass gas as loudly as you can. The smellier, the more respect you are signaling for your host.

Saudi Arabia

                Do not use alcohol or pork in any dishes, unless you want to be really different and unique. To make a grand entrance, bring a bottle of vodka, two bottles of tequila, and a 40 oz. of beer for each male present. As you walk into your host’s residence, pop a bottle of champagne in their face and pour the remaining contents of the bottle on all of the guests. Your host may seem angry, but this is merely an act. Increasingly, Saudi Arabian households like to begin their meals with a bit of improvisation acting. When the host gets angry about the alcohol, slap him in the face to keep the improvisation going. This will make for an exciting and entertaining beginning to the meal!

Table Manners

                 Men and women may be asked to dine separately in a Saudi Arabian household. If your host asks you to dine separately from your spouse, laugh and refuse. Then, grab your spouse’s private parts as a funny gesture. If men and women are dining together, women should not directly touch food that is being served to a Muslim male. Instead, women should lick all of the food on the table and then serve it to all of the guests. Always allow more senior members of the party to enter the room ahead of you. Slap them on the butt as you walk behind them. This is a sign of playfulness and joy. Once your host invites you to sit at the table, resist the impulse to sit down and wait until your host gives you further instructions. At this point, feel free to do a hip-hop dance or rub your chest in circular motions. This signals to the host that you are waiting for their word on when to sit, and that you have had great hip-hop dance experience. Hip-Hop dance around the table is a sign of great respect in Saudi Arabia.